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expectations Q&A
Aug 17, 2011 Uncategorized 3 Comments
Well, I’m happy to report – at least in this case – to have practiced what we preached…we had NO expectation of the quantity and quality of response to this week’s message regarding the damage of expectations in relationships! That is that, Christian relationships are a zero-expectation endeavor. The “Expectations” sermon is the second in a series of four that Tammy and I are doing in the month of August called, There’s no U in relationships. Meaning, that the more self-centered U are…the more concerned about getting rather than giving U are…in relationships the worse off that relationship is likely going to be.
Maybe one of the most disturbing things many of us walked away with this week is that we can barely take a breath or speak a word in our significant relationships without discovering an expectation. And maybe that fact isn’t even as disturbing as the fact that our expectations are often rooted in some very significant and painful experiences, disappointments and even trauma.
Tammy and I talked about the distinction between expectations and legitimate desires/hopes. What struck my heart most deeply as we read through the honest and humble expectations that you feel you need to let go of, was how in so many cases there is/was a deeply legitimate desire, hope or need associated with the expectation.
The very very difficult challenge in relationships is to drop the expectations we have of others, and to honestly communicate/express and discuss the underlying hope and/or desire…and even sometimes the underlying damage, dysfunction or sin driving the expectation.
In short, our hearts were deeply moved by the many painful realities that many of you live with in some of your most significant relationships. And it should be remembered, so as not to minimize, that much of that difficulty and pain will not necessarily quickly diminish when you begin to manage and deal with your expectations.
As we prayed, we thought it might be good to help you process and to see how to move from expectations into healthy discovery and discussion about your very real hopes and desires.
So, we thought why not start a Q&A blog conversation to field some of your questions and interact around your thoughts. Feel free to comment below or hit the Vista Facebook and/or Twitter pages.
SOME Q&A AND EXAMPLES
Q: “I put expectations on my girlfriend/boyfriend regarding the future. What do I do with them?”
A: As difficult as it is, those expectations are best to be released. Jesus said (paraphrased), it is presumptuous upon God to worry about the future (Mt 6:34). We have NO idea what it holds. There is plenty to be concerned about today. We would add…your boyfriend needs to be free to hear from God, to prepare him/herself, to grow in character and wisdom. AND at some point, you may have to admit that his/her lack of independent (apart from pressure and expectations…and threats!) initiative, commitment and courage are indicators of his true love and character.
On the other hand, desires regarding your future mate are legitimate longings of the heart. It is certainly no sin, nor is it wrong in any way to express your hopes to be married (for example) and have a family someday. It could be important to communicate (again, for example) how your family was so vital in your life that you are now seemingly hard-wired to continue that heritage.
Or, maybe for you it’s very different than that…in which case you would communicate how difficult or awful your family was, and that you’re realizing your marriage and family desires are almost purely self-motivated to get something you never had. You may then, together, rather than driving for future certainty you want to talk and work on healing regarding marriage and family. (In this second case, it is entirely likely that the girl/boyfriend is hesitating and anxious because he can sense, yet unable to articulate, the pressure to fill a family deficit she/he cannot.
Q: What do I do about my expectation for my for my [daughter/son] to leave his destructive life to embrace my ways and values?
A: Oh my, what a truly painful situation. Who could ever fault a parent from hoping such things for their daughter/son? No one. These are legitimate hopes and desires.
Expectations though (remember from the talk) are either legal in structure or perceived as such. Meaning that an expectation is an obligation that must be met to be either accepted or loved. Some of the most lost people are the most insightful, even genuine. And as a result have no desire to be accepted or loved under condition. In fact, they may be in the place they are because that has been the equation for love and acceptance thus far. We aren’t suggesting that is the case here, but it is common.
Some things that are necessary to explore here are the degree to which the parents social status and/or sense of significance comes from their children. It’s a mixed bag, but an important one to sort through. Oversimplifying to be sure, a discussion along these lines might be healthy: Son, it kills me to see your life, even your physical body, deteriorate like it is. For your sake I deeply hope and desire for something to help you change course. But I have realized I also want you to change for my sake and that I’ve even withheld my love as leverage. I’m so sorry. I want to love you unconditionally, but I have a lot of my own cr*p to clean up too. Is there ANYthing I can say or do now that would be helpful in ANY way? I want to set you free of me and my debilitating expectations.
And here are a few of your “expectations’ that are simply powerful to have discovered and to work on:
“I need to let go of my expectation that friends will spend more time with me.”
“For my parents to be excited and interested in my spiritual life.”
“For my husband to be the solution to me being happy.”
“Oh my, I have a lot of cleaning up to do…I expect something out of everybody…”
“For her to change.”
“My [spouse] to love and serve me before anyone else.’
“I expect my [family member] to come to church.”
“I cannot expect things to go exactly my way all the time.”
Challebrations
Aug 11, 2011 Uncategorized 1 Comment
We have some challenges ahead, but also some exciting things to celebrate! Challenges and celebrations…Challebrations!
Remember? A year ago we developed our “Second Site Checklist,” and launched an idea…a dream…a proposal to create a second Vista site in the Worthington Area. Rather than, “we’re doin’ this and here’s when!”, we said instead, “If God should bless us in these ways, we’ll faithfully go!”
Of the 10 bullets that made up our checklist we have seen 8 completed! We have a pastor, a gathering space, financial resources, a ministry leadership/launch team, key leaders, Lifegroups and 100+ pioneers! Pretty amazing. Wild. In some ways it’s all very hard to believe.
The two unfinished checklist items present the challenge remaining for both sites. We have numerous critical volunteer serving slots open. For the next six months, as potentially hundreds of guests visit both locations, it’s imperative that we all…all…roll up our sleeves and step up into opportunities to serve and lead.
As we move forward, let’s not forget why we do what we do as a church — it’s for others. Many people are searching for something, looking for a church, needing Jesus, longing for God… Our Sunday gatherings certainly afford the existing church a wonderful and comfortable place to pray, worship, learn and interact with others, but most importantly Sunday morning is a primary extension into our community…to offer healing and hope to ones in need. We can only do that by combining all of our talents, our time and our tithe.
We keep it simple and have agreed since the beginning that to be the church God has called us to be, everyone must contribute in 4 key arenas:
1. In groups as leaders and participants to challenge one another and process truth and life together.
2. In Missional ways across the street and across the world by giving and/or going.
3. Generationally by investing time Sunday morning with our Kids Community (KC) once a month if you’re a parent of a child in KC otherwise once a quarter.
4. Sunday Mornings in some capacity, for example greeting, tech crew, set-up or music team.
The next 6 months will potentially attract 100’s of new guests, and we need to be especially ready.
And remember, our challenges aren’t only directed at those launching the Worthington Site. In fact, the Dublin area site is at risk to falter since we aren’t necessarily enjoying the “excitement and demands” that so naturally accompany a new thing.
The space created at Jerome by the departure of those launching Worthington will act like a vacuum that will likely cause an equally challenging influx of people. At Dublin, we need to step up big in faith as well…there are no less hurting and hopeful people in Dublin, let’s not fail to be there for them too!
If you don’t have a regular serving outlet, please read through the lists that will be circulating, pray for wisdom, and let us know in what way you will be contributing to the amazing family that God is building in Dublin and Worthington! You can also e-mail our Weekend Director, Justin Bradshaw, to indicate your interest: justin.bradshaw@vistacommunitychurch.org
get connected
Jun 23, 2011 Uncategorized 7 Comments
It’s not uncommon in any church to hear new folks declare their lack of success in getting connected – it’s no different at Vista. What may surprise you is to discover that an inability to get connected at Vista is nearly by design. What? A church that makes it difficult to connect…on purpose!? Yep, sorta. Let me ’splain…
It is our contention that the Church too often fails at its primary objective…Matthew 28: “go and make disciples.” Because that mandate is difficult, requiring sacrifice and determination, Christian purpose too often deteriorates into “go to church.”
At Vista it is our intention (and we recognize we’re not there yet) for church to be an equipping place and a launching pad. That is, to help, train and support Christians to “go” and reach their unchurched and unbelieving friends, neighbors, family and associates for Christ. We want to do everything we can to eliminate distractions from and/or convenient substitutes for “go and make disciples.”
Too often we settle for involvement in the church instead of investment in the lost. We prefer to find significance in the connections we can make in programs and with people in church rather than finding significance in the missional purpose of God for our life.
So, if you perceive that you’re not getting connected at Vista, it may simply be that you’re trying to connect a round peg with a square hole. Modern Church too often and unfortunately wrongly defines what it means to be a Christian, and so we look for our churches to meet that skewed expectation.
Only somewhat oversimplified, being connected at Vista is three-fold: Worshipful, Relational, Missional.
1) Worship God and create a space where others can too. For us (and although worship is far more broad than just this) worship happens Sunday morning. We pitch in together to create a space for ordinary folk and families to congregate and encounter God. So, be connected by attending and serving Sunday morning.
2) Relate to others. Join a small group where real life can be processed and lived and endured and enjoyed together. Where the sermons can be driven into our hearts and into life. Contrary to the social media race for more “friends” and the “famous Christian” myth that unless we are broadly networked, famously successful and an evangelistic giant, we don’t need to generate hundreds of Christian friends. Your grandfather probably said to you at some time, “You’re a lucky man if at the end of your life you have a handful of true and trusted friends.” So, be connected by connecting with a small group of Christian friends.
3) Be Missional. That is, take advantage of all the wonderful spheres of influence God has provided you. For example, between sports, arts and other school-related activities, Tammy and I spend several hours a week with other parents. Talk about a missions space! A reasonable goal for helping people find Jesus is similar to the expectation for friends: a handful is a wonderful life’s work. There are some Billy Grahams and Francis Chans, and Louie Giglios in the world, but most of us are powerfully ordinary. But if every ordinary Christian led three others to Christ, the world would be reached in 20 years! So, be connected by consistently investing in a few folks that need Jesus.
So let me clarify our expectations for connection: Serve Sunday mornings to provide a “God space”; Join a group to grow in Christ; and invest in unchurched people. To do these with fervor and consistency is hard work that only God can sustain and make fruitful, but it will bring you (maybe for the first time ever) a fulfilling and joyful Christian life. Alternatives leave you lacking and eventually in search of a new church offering a new program to energize you again for a time.
Having trouble getting connected at Vista? Maybe we’ve not clearly communicated what it means to be connected. We’re betting the farm that your/our most meaningful connection is to God, His Word, a few Christian friends and the mission of Jesus: the hurting and the hopeless.
Get missionally–rather than programmatically–connected. Dare ya!
~mike
